Thirteen Ways to Leave Your Fantasy Lover

Thirteen Ways to Leave Your Fantasy Lover This is a public service announcement for all fantasy and paranormal romance heroines and heroes. We realize you believe you’ve found your Happily Ever After with the (insert supernatural species here) of your wildest dreams. However, we at the Paranormal Extended Romance Protection Society (PERPS, for short) know that not all human/other relationships perform as advertised. (If they did, we wouldn’t have sequels, now would we?) With that in mind, the governing bodies of PERPS prepared the following handy guide for ending unwonted relationships with a person or persons of Otherworld origins: 1. Vampire - Stake the heart. (The wooden kind is best. Steak on the heart only makes them more amorous.) 2. Werewolf - Shoot with silver. (A sterling dinner fork may be used as a projectile, but make sure the tines are pointed away from you. Do not use knives, except per 5. below. The blades are invariably cold steel.) 3. Selkie - Burn the pelt. (The order is crucial here. Pelting with Burns will only compound the problem. Robert will want to write a poem about it, and George is simply too nice.) 4. Angel - Tear off wings. (Practice on flies and work your way up.) 5. Fairy/Elf - Cold iron on the pillow. (Preferably the skillet you used to bash the fae’s head in.) 6. Devil - Douse with holy water. (Bathtubs with tile surrounds are ideal for containing the combustion but require large quantities of blessed water for optimum performance--which can be difficult to procure beforehand, given this subject’s well-deserved reputation for paranoia.) 7. Dragonslayer - Feed to dragon. (Serve raw.) 8. Enchanted Beast - Trash the rose garden. (If you choose to pursue a chemical solution, avoid commercial preparations that target only the weeds.) 9. Dragon - Feed him/her a fire extinguisher. (Also serve raw.) 10. Merman - Surround the bed with dehumidifiers. (Remove all moisturizers from vicinity beforehand.) 11. Frog Prince - Introduce him to the cook. (A nice butter sauce is always a good choice.) 12. Gold-spinning Dwarf - Announce his/her on The View. (Remember to obtain free samples for producers and hosts before filming.) 13. Change the Locks - The governing bodies of PERPS neglected this critical step. That’s why they’re bodies… Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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